


waking up early to leave this place

by itisjosh



Series: onlypain [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Escape, Exhaustion, Gen, Lowercase, Post-War, Running Away, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Wilbur Soot-centric, flatsound makes me sad, for the aesthetic, i'm just tired and sad, so you all get to be sad as well, this is kind of me projecting ngl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:34:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27720781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itisjosh/pseuds/itisjosh
Summary: pogtopia isn't home.
Series: onlypain [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2027711
Comments: 29
Kudos: 189





	waking up early to leave this place

_home._

_home is such a funny word, it's filled with warmth and memories. good memories, ones of laughter and happiness. wilbur likes to think back on those old days, where he could sit by the fire in l'manberg, where he could laugh with his family and friends, where everything was perfect and safe and good. he was okay back in those days, back before schlatt and the election and the festival. tubbo nearly died. techno shot him. niki has stopped coming to report things in, and tommy won't even look him in the eye anymore._

_pogtopia isn't home._

_pogtopia is cold and it's so, so draining. every single day he spends here he wants to die, and he hates it. he hates it so much. he hates pogtopia, he hates schlatt, and most of all, he hates himself. wilbur had nothing to prove to anyone other than himself that he was president. he took the initiative and he built l'manberg from the ground up, callusing his own hands for the sake of his great nation._

_his great, unfinished symphony._

_wilbur thought about blowing l'manberg out of the ground. he thought about destroying it, he thought about killing everyone inside its walls, because if he couldn't have l'manberg, then why could anyone else? he had quickly gotten himself out of those thoughts, turning them on himself instead. he thought about destroying himself, about walking into the ocean and never walking back out. he thought about what would happen if he was simply to stop existing, and wilbur could only see positive outcomes._

_for everyone involved._

_tommy and techno don't love him anymore. they're his brothers by blood, not by choice. wilbur would be surprised if phil still loved him. he knows that tommy has been writing to him. he knows that tommy wouldn't lie to their dad, not about something like this. wilbur doesn't think phil loves him. he isn't sure if he ever did. it isn't like wilbur deserves to be loved, anyways. not after everything he's done, not after everything he's planned to do._

_he was so close._

_he was going to blow up l'manberg, he was going to kill his friends and his family, and he wasn't going to feel guilty about it. wilbur was convinced that was the only thing he could do to make everything better, and it wasn't until tommy nearly shot him did he realise that it wasn't the answer. it wasn't even an option, and wilbur just..he just..he.._

_wilbur should have never involved tommy or tubbo. they're fucking children, even if they refuse to be called that. they're not even eighteen, they're just kids. wilbur involved kids in his war, he fucking..he..he put so much pressure on tommy, and he can see the effects. tommy is cracking and breaking, he's been whittled down to just nothingness. he's tough on the outside because he's so afraid of letting people in. he doesn't know who he can trust anymore, wilbur can see that._

_and it's his fault._

_all of it is his fault._

_wilbur throws his backpack over his shoulder, careful to not make any noise as he begins to trail up the stairs. he left tommy a note. he left niki, fundy, eret, tubbo, and schlatt a note. he left phil and techno a note. everyone who was ever important to him got a note, and he wonders if any of them will take the time to read it. they're filled with the words "i'm sorry", and "i can't be who you want me to be". wilbur is dangerous._

_he's dangerous to himself and everyone around him. he can deal with being dangerous to himself, he doesn't care. he doesn't care about himself, and he doesn't have to. but everyone else, everyone around him, they don't deserve that. he'll never be the great president he used to be. he'll never be someone people can look to for guidance. he's gone too far. he's gone too fucking far, and he can't fix it._

_he feels nothing but guilt at the fact that he's leaving tommy alone to deal with this._

~~_if he feels so guilty, why doesn't he stay? why doesn't he fix it? he can fix it. he can fix it, so why the fuck is he running away?_ ~~

_wilbur walks up the stairs of pogtopia, his cloak trailing behind him. he doesn't like the cloak. wilbur shrugs it off of his shoulders, throwing it off the side of the railing. it drifts to the ground, and he hears nothing, even when it falls. the silence is overwhelming. he breathes out, humming an old tune that phil used to sing for him under his breath. wilbur has never done well with silence. he keeps walking, flicking the lever that hides pogtopia from prying eyes. he steps out of the dirt mound, turning to face pogtopia for one last time._

_half of his life is down there. tubbo and tommy are asleep down there. fundy and niki are still in l'manberg, and he won't even get to see them for a last time. tommy and tubbo were so peaceful. they looked so safe and content, and wilbur's so thankful that they don't have nightmares. he hopes that they never do. wilbur doesn't remember the last time he slept. maybe four days ago? he's so tired._

_he turns away from pogtopia, staring at techno's horse in front of him. they never made a proper stable for him. wilbur smiles down at him, quietly opening the fence gate for him to trod out of. wilbur throws a leg over the horse, gently snapping his reins. he feels the rush of wind blow past him, hears the ground vibrating underneath the horse's hooves. wilbur closes his eyes, leaning forwards as he wraps his arms around the horse's neck. he doesn't need to know where he's going._

_wilbur feels his heart shatter as he keeps moving. he never said goodbye. they're never going to forgive him._

_that's fine. ~~he doesn't deserve forgiveness.~~_

_he's going to miss them so much. ~~they're not going to miss him.~~_

_wilbur thinks that if he keeps running long enough, he'll be able to outrun his problems. he'll be able to forget._

_he's lying to himself._

_he won't forget. ~~wilbur doesn't deserve to forget, not after everything he's done.~~_

_wilbur knows that, one day, they'll forget him. everyone will._

_until that day comes, he'll keep running._


End file.
